It's Only Me- Chapter 13- A Little Background

It has occurred to me that I have left out an integral portion of my life prior to leaving home. My Mom's illness was undoubtedly a very large portion of some of my problems - from drug abuse to the lack of any relationship with my brother. This is all an important part of my narrative. No excuses are being offerred here. Anything I did do was of my own choosing. But the background is a very necessary part of understanding who I was and even who I am.

My Mom developed ulcers around the time that my parents had that "chart/demerit" thing going which caused conflict between my brother and I. Each week, as I've said- the one with the least demerits got to go to the store and pick out a prize while the other watched and sometimes wept. That someone was usually me.

Looking back I realize that this was all the result of my Mom's nerves. She simply couldn't handle 2 small boys and developed ulcers. The blame somehow got shifted to me and I paid quite a price emotionally while growing up. Even today I carry the big "G" for guilt; and it is one heavy fucking cross to bear.

When my Mom became sicker with collitis and cancer we were told repeatedly that "this was the end" and Mom wasn't going to make it. Imagine going to school while wondering if Mom is dead or alive. You don't learn much under those conditions.

My brother and I fought viciously, to the point of the neighbors calling the cops. Our fights even encompassed knives at times, taken from the kitchen. This was all a product of my Mom's illness.

Make no mistake, I bear her no ill will in any of this. She was a victim as well. But I found that each time I was told that she wasn't going to make it- I found myself wishing that she wouldn't. Then I wouldn't be living under that dark, depressing cloud of uncertainty. That's where the "Big G" comes from.

The only good part is that I spoke with my Mom extensively concerning these feelings in the days leading up to her death. I would call her from phone booths all over the world while sailing. The last calls were from Norfolk and she told me, "You know you will never be able to live until I die." Not a question- a statement. And my reply? "I know, Mom, I know." And she responded with, "And that's okay." And it is.

I just needed to add this and one other thing- the trips we took as a family.
From 1963 through 1970 we went by car to Mystic Seaport, Fire Island, Montauk Point, Philadelphia (when the bell was sitting outside and you could touch it)Florida, Washington DC twice, Virginia, Dairy Farms in New Jersey and Coal Mines in the Appalachians.

My hat is forever off to my parents for the efforts they went to and the expense of money we did not have to take us on these trips. The memories are truly priceless.
So at 21 I was an enigma. On the one hand I loved these people who rejected me. And on the other hand I hated them for the rejection.

With that said- I can now move on back to the story at hand.

Now let's see, where was I?

Myrtle Beach

This is Sue flying high over Myrtle Beach last weekend. We stopped for one of those helicopter rides- up and back. I don't fly well anymore; Sue went solo and took this beautiful picture of the hotels on the beach. One of them was ours.

Speaking of the beach; here I am on the sand; a very rare thing these days. A German woman who was taking pictures of her friend offered to take pictures of Sue and I. She took about a hundred! 

And here is Sue holding me up against the wind...

And then later walking in the surf alone while I took this picture from the 16th floor.

It was a quiet weekend for us- but King Kong was still angry about something.

This was my first trip anywhere in 4 years. It was all good, but one of the best parts was just looking at the ocean again. From the 16th floor you can just about see the curve of the horizon, about 10-12 miles away...

"Take Me Home" with Amber and Sam Jaeger (2011)

Claire Barrow’s husband is cheating on her; and would be photographer Thom Colvin can’t sell his work. The illegal cab he owns is not making enough money to even keep a roof over his head when these two mismatched people find themselves together on a cross country trip to scatter Claire’s recently deceased father’s ashes to the wind.

Claire has everything, a successful life and husband, while Thom can’t get off the ground. His past relationships have failed and his parents have no idea what he really does for a living. When Claire finds her husband with a co-worker in a compromising state, she decides to chuck it all and grabs the first cab she sees; which belongs to Thom. Instructing him to drive in no particular direction, the two begin a series of misadventures which take them to Las Vegas and ultimately on to the West Coast, where Claire is re-united with her sisters and their father’s ashes are scattered.

But what happens when Claire’s husband arrives, whisking her back to New York, leaving Thom alone and a bit broken from the journey? Deciding that he must continue on his own, he remains in California. But Claire has trouble relinquishing the new freedoms she has found with Thom, and is faced with a very big decision. Will she remain in her present circumstances, or take a chance on Thom? This is a quirky, off beat film which will leave you smiling about what I label the “human condition.” 

  

New Car, Fording a Stream, Graveyard and the Cat

Old cars; like people; wear out with age, necessitating our looking for a new car. Or, to be more accurate; a new used car to fit our budget. We picked up this incredibly clean and rec-conditioned Toyota Corolla, in large part because it felt so familiar to us from the moment we sat in it. We have owned Toyota's for many years, and even with the occasional problem, have found them to be reliable

Now, when road testing a new car; used or otherwise; it is important to learn the limitations of your machine. So, to that end, we drove to Chapel Hill; which is about 2 hours away; to see our daughter and ford a stream. It did seem a bit ironic to “ford” a stream in a Japanese car, but it was a pretty day with just a bit of snow left over on some of the grassy areas making the day seem a little more special.

The stream is located just near this gravesite, which is the resting place for the original Morgan and Mason families. I wasn’t really paying attention to the specifics of the place, so I don’t know who they were. The magnolias were fresh and crisp, as they always are in North Carolina at this time of year. They are such stately trees, and I couldn’t help but think about those who lie beneath the ground, and wonder if they had become part of those trees. That’s where I want to go when my time comes. To become part of a tree seems a fitting way to leave something positive and alive behind when you have passed on. In a way, it’s a form of immortality, standing with leafy arms outstretched, providing shade and fragrant blossoms for the living.

Meantime; back home; the cat waits, sitting in the flower pot on our neighbor’s porch, watching and waiting for our return home. He worries about us, he cares about us, he frets when we are late. He wants his tuna fish.

"Harry and Tonto" with Art Carney (1974)

In this 1974 film, Art Carney; universally known as Ed Norton on the TV sitcom “The Honeymooners” with Jackie Gleason; finally got to show off his dramatic skills, as well as win the 1974 Oscar for Best Actor. And with a script by Paul Mazursky and Josh Greenfield, this is one story that is timeless in its dealing with the subject of aging.

When Harry, a retired Professor who is widowed and lives alone, learns that he must vacate his Manhattan apartment; after decades of living there with his wife; he decides to stay. With only his cat Tonto for company, he remains in the building until forcibly evicted by the Police and his landlord. His apartment building is being torn down to make way for a parking garage.

With nowhere to go, he lives with his son Bert, played by Philip Burns, and his family for a bit, before deciding to head out for Chicago, by bus, where he has a daughter, Shirley, played by Ellen Burstyn, who is divorced and owns a bookstore.

Traveling by bus proves to be a non-starter, as Tonto will not use the rest room as a litter box, which forces Harry to buy a used car in order to continue their journey. Along the way he meets, and befriends Ginger, a 15 year old hitchhiker, played by Melanie Mayron. She has no plans, or destination, and becomes a companion for Harry and Tonto. Together, they arrive in Chicago to visit Shirley.

From Shirley’s they decide to take a side trip and see one of Harry’s old flames from 50 years ago, a woman named Jesse Stone, played with great tenderness by Geraldine Fitzgerald. When they arrive at her old home they discover that she is now in a nursing home, which they  decide to visit. As the journey progresses, they are joined by Harry’s grandson, Norman, played by Josh Mostel, and they continue on their quest to find Harry’s “place” in an ever changing world. 

Ultimately, he leaves Josh and Ginger to find their own lives, while he decides to visit his playboy son, Eddie, played by Larry Hagman, who lives in Los Angeles. Along the way Harry and Tonto  visit Las Vegas, where they encounter an old Indian Chief, played by Chief Dan George, as well as spend a night in jail.

A beautifully paced and nuanced film, with much to say about our changing roles in life as we age, gave Art Carney the chance to prove that he could hold his own against the other Oscar nominees that year, which included Al Pacino in “The Godfather”, Dustin Hoffman in “Lenny”, and even Jack Nicholson in “Chinatown.” If you have never seen this film before; or, have not seen it for some time; you really owe it to yourself to watch this very poignant tale which still holds true, almost 40 years after its release.  

Sarah's Cactus - A Living Gift

My daughter, Sarah, brought this spiny looking cactus home from a trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina something like 10 years ago. I think the town was called Duck. She was vacationing there with her friend Lindsey, and her family, and decided to dig the cactus up from the sand and take it home to me. Everybody laughed, saying that it would never survive. Ah, but he who laughs last, laughs best.

Every 2 years; like clockwork; this spiny little portion of the original mass which Sarah brought home to me, sprouts the most beautiful yellow blossom. And, for the short time it remains; which is something like a month; it reminds me of the hopes and dreams of children everywhere. And in that space of time, I really do believe that nothing is impossible.

Sometimes referred to as the “Yellow Rose” of Texas, this is what dreams are made of.

Old Barns and Pianos

I saw it first through the trees from the road as we were passing by on our way through Concord. I'm a sucker for old houses, especially ones with barns, and so we stopped to take a look.

Parking the car around the back of the house I was greeted with the sight of this beautiful old barn/horse stall/hayloft. It was twice the size of the house! I went looking for bottles and glassware, old medicine tins and the like, while Sue roamed about in the house. The property is beautiful, 57 acres in all, formerly a farm, destined for either a shopping center or another housing development. Farming doesn't pay well anymore.

But for me this was the surprise which made the whole stop worthwhile; an upright piano on the front porch. Long neglected and beyond repair, it was unique, almost a work of art. Think of it, 80 years or so ago, with radio in it's infancy, and television still just a dream, some family sat around on the screened porch, alongside of a small rural road, and sang along to the piano. Contrast that with sitting in front of the TV, night after night, remote in hand, never satisfied. You know, I think these folks were on to something...