Sunday, December 19, 2010

"A TSA Christmas" by Robert Williams with Apologies to Clement C. Moore

'Twas the day before Christmas, when Santa’s sleigh
Got pulled over and grounded by the TSA.
They made such a noise, and raised such a clatter,
Santa got out, and said, "What's the matter?"

That's when they cuffed him, and roughed him up too,
And the ways that they touched him, some places turned blue!
Now, the sleigh was loaded (and Santa as well,)
But when they asked, “Where ya' going?”, he told them his tale.

“I’m going to houses, loaded with toys,
To spread Christmas Cheer to all girls and boys."
The TSA man then said with a smile,
“You may think that you’re going, but you’ll be awhile,

You see all these gifts- so neatly packed?
Without your elves here- you’ll have to unwrap
each little package, and each little toy,
Or there won’t be a Christmas for girls, or for boys.

Got Mrs. Claus with you? We really don't care,
We'll strip her down to her long underwear.
And if that doesn't irk her, we'll go with Plan 2,
We'll make her get rid of the underwear, too!

You see, we'll do all that we must, and all that we can
To kick Christmas season right in the can,
We’ll make you late, and angry and mad,
But don’t say a word, cause we can be bad.

We’ll take all the toys, the dolls and the guns,
And won’t give them back, not even a one.
See, if killing St. Nick will keep us all free,
Then we’ll do what we must to preserve liberty.

So, while doing our best to keep all things right,
We’ll mess up your Christmas, and then say Goodnight.
And when we’re finished, with our new scanner toys,
We’ll sell the best pictures to Hugh at Playboy.”

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