It's Only Me- Chapter 13- A Little Background

It has occurred to me that I have left out an integral portion of my life prior to leaving home. My Mom's illness was undoubtedly a very large portion of some of my problems - from drug abuse to the lack of any relationship with my brother. This is all an important part of my narrative. No excuses are being offerred here. Anything I did do was of my own choosing. But the background is a very necessary part of understanding who I was and even who I am.

My Mom developed ulcers around the time that my parents had that "chart/demerit" thing going which caused conflict between my brother and I. Each week, as I've said- the one with the least demerits got to go to the store and pick out a prize while the other watched and sometimes wept. That someone was usually me.

Looking back I realize that this was all the result of my Mom's nerves. She simply couldn't handle 2 small boys and developed ulcers. The blame somehow got shifted to me and I paid quite a price emotionally while growing up. Even today I carry the big "G" for guilt; and it is one heavy fucking cross to bear.

When my Mom became sicker with collitis and cancer we were told repeatedly that "this was the end" and Mom wasn't going to make it. Imagine going to school while wondering if Mom is dead or alive. You don't learn much under those conditions.

My brother and I fought viciously, to the point of the neighbors calling the cops. Our fights even encompassed knives at times, taken from the kitchen. This was all a product of my Mom's illness.

Make no mistake, I bear her no ill will in any of this. She was a victim as well. But I found that each time I was told that she wasn't going to make it- I found myself wishing that she wouldn't. Then I wouldn't be living under that dark, depressing cloud of uncertainty. That's where the "Big G" comes from.

The only good part is that I spoke with my Mom extensively concerning these feelings in the days leading up to her death. I would call her from phone booths all over the world while sailing. The last calls were from Norfolk and she told me, "You know you will never be able to live until I die." Not a question- a statement. And my reply? "I know, Mom, I know." And she responded with, "And that's okay." And it is.

I just needed to add this and one other thing- the trips we took as a family.
From 1963 through 1970 we went by car to Mystic Seaport, Fire Island, Montauk Point, Philadelphia (when the bell was sitting outside and you could touch it)Florida, Washington DC twice, Virginia, Dairy Farms in New Jersey and Coal Mines in the Appalachians.

My hat is forever off to my parents for the efforts they went to and the expense of money we did not have to take us on these trips. The memories are truly priceless.
So at 21 I was an enigma. On the one hand I loved these people who rejected me. And on the other hand I hated them for the rejection.

With that said- I can now move on back to the story at hand.

Now let's see, where was I?

Gone to the Beach!

I'm taking some days off to go to the beach; first time in 4 years! Not sure I’ll actually be able to walk around on the sand; as a matter of fact, I can’t. But, just seeing it again after so long a time will probably be kind of emotional.

I grew up less than a mile from Brighton Beach; a mile from Coney Island; both in Brooklyn. And  just a half hour to the east by bicycle put me in Riis Park, Queens. The next stop east from those places would be Spain. I never did swim it. As Burt Lancaster said in the film “Atlantic City”, “The Atlantic Ocean? You should have seen it in the old days. Yeh, the ocean was really something back then.”

It’s like that in memory; we enlarge things. And sometimes we get disappointed when confronted with the reality of what something has become. Burt Lancaster was right in certain respects. Back in the old days the ocean was a huge barrier. No transatlantic flights; telephone service was expensive and difficult; and ocean travel was infinitely slower than today. So the ocean is smaller than it used to be in that respect.

But it still holds all of its majesty. It still has that fury when the wind kicks it up, or when the tide pulls upon it to excess. Ships still go down to the bottom; taking their crews with them; somethings never change. I've lived near it; worked upon it; swam in it; and fished in it my whole life; but it has never ceased to astound me. It’s still both bigger and stronger than I am. They say it's where life began.

Well, enough for now, I'll see you when I get back! Enjoy my vacation…

Sabbath Candle Water Fountains and Other Stuff

This is the water fountain just outside the entrance to the Aquarium in Charleston. I couldn't help but try to light it, due to it's uncanny resemblance to a Sabbath candle holder.

Sue and I took a few days off to celebrate our anniversary. We went to Charleston, and then on to Myrtle Beach. The first night we stayed in this beautiful Civil War Era bed and breakfast.

Inside the aquarium there was the usual assortment of coral reef exhibits and all the fish that inhabit them. This spiny looking fellow, with a long Latin name, which I can't spell, was one of my favorites. It must be a lonely life, covered with spines like that. With whom can he cuddle?

I love the old Customs House. It's identical to the one in Baltimore, though this one is located on a wide avenue and surrounded by palm trees, which gives it a whole different look.

From Charleston we headed to Myrtle Beach, about an hour to the North. This was the view from our room. Usually we get a room on a higher floor, but these palms gave the room a sense of privacy, so we were happy to share the balcony with them. They came with some small greenish lizards and we did our best to make them feel welcome, or maybe it was vice versa.

On the way out of Myrtle Beach we stopped at Huntington State Park. It's a very beautiful nature preserve where you can watch egrets, herons, and other wading birds as they play cat and mouse with the alligators. No feeding of the animals is allowed, so you never can tell which one is going to try and eat someone else, people included!

We left Myrtle Beach at 11 AM for the 4 hour drive home. After several unmarked detours, a flat tire, an ignorant tow truck driver, and a couple of rain storms, we arrived home 11 hours after starting out. This is the longest ride on record from Myrtle Beach to Charlotte since about 1925. In spite of the long trip home, it was great to get away for a few days.

Hope everyone had a fabulous Fourth of July!

Still On Vacation...

Still on vacation, be back tomorrow, maybe!