It's been a lazy kind of day, didn't get much of anything done. Watching the rain has made me a bit reflective and I find myself looking back. That's me on the left, 35 years ago, looking forward, I suppose. I never did see anything there, but I was looking.Life is strange, with twists and turns that take you down paths you didn't expect to find, let alone wander down. And then suddenly it's too late to turn around and do it over. You can find a new path, or alter the way you navigate the one that you're on, but for the most part, at this point- you're committed.
I spent a good part of the day speaking with old friends. Really old friends. Talking to them helps me gauge my own life. I know that sounds mercenary or self serving, but I think we all do it to some degree. And I came out with mixed feelings.
I haven't missed anything I wanted to do. I've sailed far and wide on 4 oceans to 3 continents. I've tasted all the things that came my way and enjoyed what I liked best when I could. And settled for less when I had to.
But now I'm at rest and time is winding down. I used to feel like the Hartley Coleridge poem "Long Time A Child."
Long time a child, and still a child,when years,
Had painted manhood on my cheek, was I,
For yet I lived like one not born to die;
A thriftless prodigal of smiles and tears,
No hope I needed, and I knew no fears.
But sleep, though sweet, is only sleep, and waking,
I waked to sleep no more, at once o'ertaking
The vanguard of my age, with all arrears
Of duty on my back.
Nor child, nor man, Nor youth, nor sage,
I find my head is gray,
For I have lost the race I never ran
A rathe December blights my lagging May
And still I am a child, though I be old,
Time is the debtor for my years untold.
But now I'm more inclined to feel like Emily Dickinson's "I'm Nobody."
I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Good there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.
How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!
Strange - I started looking back and now I find myself looking forward like the young man in the picture. I'm searching for that "next thing." I'm sure there's an unexpected path here somewhere.... It's all so, well, a musing.
It's been years since I read that Emily D. poem. I read it only once before tonight, and always meant to search for it because I liked it so much... especially the second verse. It reminds me of two things. A recent conversation I had with someone where the subject of being well-known came up. I replied, I would rather be known well than well-known. And it reminds me of a quote I recently posted on my Instagram page from the well-known photographer, Platon. He said, "I always wanted to be the underdog. For me, as a portrait photographer, it's the kiss of death to become well known. I did my best work when no one knew who I was. People weren't threatened by me because the didn't think I was a big deal." How dreary, indeed, to be somebody! =)
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